Just When I Thought I Have Seen Everything, Two Turkeys Walk In

As a family doctor, I never know what I am going to encounter when I walk into an exam room. It can be a baby with a fever or a hundred year old man who forgot my name and calls me by his dog’s name instead (Camille is not such a bad name compared to other things I have been called) . In a typical day, being in private practice and having no one to call on if things go wrong, I can go from helping the paramedics get a patient having a heart attack to the hospital  to wielding a plunger to fix a clogged toilet in a matter of minutes.

Doctors see patients when they feel their worst and most stressed. And we often bear the brunt of that frustration. Most of us have probably been threatened at some point and I am sure all of us have been cursed out. Just when I reflect on that fact, another patient will walk in and hand me a box of chocolate or thank me for being there when they needed it.

What many people don’t know is that some people like to take, I would actually say steal but I think those doing it don’t see it that way, items from the office. I never figured out if they think it is part of their copay? But, we have had the oddest things disappear. We never leave extra toilet paper in the bathrooms because that will never stay there. Perhaps it is misunderstood to be free samples? If you ever come to our practice over the Christmas season, we have only one ornament on our tree because the rest “disappeared”.  I once walked in on a woman digging through the doors in the exam room and once found another filling a film canister with betadine from our bottle. She said she needed it for the dogs she is breeding. But while most hide the fact that they are “borrowing” items from us, we usually can figure them out.

Patients often need notes for work when they take sick time. The excuses can be a simple cold or a much more elaborate scheme. People are actually allergic to certain buildings but only on certain days. I get the fact that sometimes people just need a break from work. But, it is usually obvious when it is just an excuse rather than an illness. I’d rather just know so I don’t end up prescribing medication that is not really needed.

Last week, I walked into the room and found a form a patient needed to be signed. There are so many forms to be signed in medicine these days. Physical forms, forms that say patients can’t work, forms that say patients can work, prior authorization forms, medical necessity forms, VNA forms, and on and on. It is obvious that if a patient needs a form signed, this is the place to come. Unfortunately, it was a  form that needed to be notarized and she thought I could do it.  While I have become pretty good at signing forms, this was just one that I couldn’t do. And that was the first time I ever saw that one.

Over the years, I learned that people do some pretty crazy things that require medical attention. I have pulled various weird objects from patients noses and ears. No, a deflated balloon is not a smart thing to stick up your nose and , like your mother said, never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear. They are not so easy to get out again. If you get the urge to see if you can jump over a given obstacle just because it is there, don’t do it. Go around! That way requires no stitches.

Earlier this week, my staff was telling me about the patient that kept calling pretending that she was a doctor to get information about another patient. We all know she is not a doctor. I never had a patient fake doctor credentials before. She threatened to call the office every half hour until I discussed with her what she wanted. Just as I was about to whip out my HIPAA explanation,, another employee walked in telling us there were two wild turkeys in the parking lot standing by my car. Since our office is on a busy street, Main Street at that, we looked at her with doubt and then raced to a window. Sure enough, there were two wild turkeys there strutting around the parking lot gobbling loudly. As the owner, I knew I was the one that should do something about it. However, never encountering a wild turkey except on a plate on Thanksgiving Day, I didn’t know if they bite or attack. And these turkeys were big. As I was deciding what to do so patients parking in the lot would not be terrorized by these feathery intruders, they strutted their way into the neighbor’s yard and vanished a few hours later.

So, as I think turkeys wandering into my parking lot at the same time a patient is playing doctor  clearly falls under the definition as now having seen it all, I wonder what comes next. Because as surely as thinking as I have seen it all, my experience tells me something more bizarre is headed my way.

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